Rubbing food all over my body

Just getting ready to be the new mayor of Toronto on my end

November 2, 2010 | Author Blob Ford

Hey Folks,

Rob Ford, your new mayor of Toronto, here.

I’m just sitting in the basement of my Etobicoke mansion, planning for the day I take office as your new mayor. I’ve slathered a generous amount of Vaseline on my legs as a result of a rash I received in the last few days. Its unfortunate because the Vaseline sticks to the fabric of my pants as I walk or even sit down. As soon as I get home, I end up taking off all my clothes to air out my skin and provide for some relief for the intense itching as a result of the rash.

I don’t really know how I got the rash. The only thing I’ve done as far as my lower body goes is coat my groin area with a combination of bacon grease and peanut butter. I like to lie down in my backyard after everyone goes to bed and wait for whatever critters or furry friends, attracted by the scent, approach my groin / legs for a quick lick.

The abrasive cat-like tongue that raccoons, squirrels and other creatures have stimulates my skin and provides some excitement. Once in a while one of the animals will nip or nibble my skin, most likely with the presumption that the rest of my body (underneath my skin) contains even more peanut butter or bacon grease. Obviously this isn’t true!

After my body has been licked up , I run downstairs (careful not to wake my family) to take a quick shower in our spare bathroom.

I spend the rest of my night watching TV and methodically remembering each lick; the the coarse tongues quickly and cautiously scraping all the juices off my lower body.

Thanks for listening

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Posted in Cleaning my filthy body, Getting a chubby, Getting animals to lick my balls, Medical Conditions, Outdoor Masturbation, Rubbing food all over my body | 1 Comment »

Chub Toad

September 30, 2010 | Author Blob Ford

Greetings friends,

I’ve recently developed a wonderful method for dealing with my large, blood red and slightly pussy stretch marks, that I wanted to share with the world. I’m assuming that my diet of chicken wings and beer may be contributing to my bloated/muscular chub toad physique. This new method mitigates the only drawback to this physique and the lifestyle that I share with the kings of this universe.

I start first thing in the morning by taking off my shirt and pants. I keep my underwear on to contain any shit that may dribble out due to the fact that I’m standing up. Also, at this point my underwear has already been pre-cut to expose my genitals in a pleasing manner so there is no need to remove them. Next, I apply a generous amount of rocky road ice cream to my stretch marks and genitals. Rubbing it in for at least 20 minutes.

The chunks in the ice cream act as a great exfoliant for both the stretch marks and the large pimples that tend to form around the base of my penis and the cold provides a sensation that makes all the hairs across my giant belly stand on end.

The feeling is magnificent.

I then add a coat of baby oil to seal in the first layer. The key to this method is constant air flow to the stretch marked areas. I spent most of the last couple half days at the office cutting holes in the sides of my shirts, suits, and crotches of my pants. You don’t necessarily need to keep your crotch exposed but I find it adds a nice symmetry to the ensemble.

I then like to go out on my evening patrol of the neighborhood, wearing the modified clothing. The breeze through the holes in the clothes feels fantastic and I get a great sense of pride, knowing that I’m keeping the area’s children safe at night.

Take care.

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Posted in Cleaning my filthy body, Human excretions creating warmth for my inner thighs, Rubbing food all over my body | 1 Comment »

Grapefruit and plastic wrap

September 27, 2010 | Author Blob Ford

Greetings Friends,

Although I’m feeling better today, I still feel under the weather. I decided to skip out on any campaign or office work and stay home and watch TV today.

One of my favorite things to eat when I’m not feeling well is a nice ripe & juicy grapefruit.

I first start out by cutting one of my grapefruit’s in half on the cutting board in my kitchen. Then, using a small spoon, I carve out a deep and small hole in the center of the grapefruit.

Once the hole has been carved out of the center of the grapefruit, I cover the surface with a tight layer of plastic wrap — making sure to press the plastic wrap into the hole I made at the center of the grapefruit.

Once this is complete, I pull down my boxer shorts and apply a generous helping of chapstick (any chapstick will do) to the tip of my penis. After enough chapstick has been applied to my penis, I shove the grapefruit onto my penis, until my penis is entirely into the hole I made at the center of the grapefruit.

Once the grapefruit is securely in place on my penis, I pull my boxer shorts back up and return to my TV room to watch TV for a few hours.

Once the grapefruit has been warmed by my genitals for several hours, it is ready to be consumed. I usually cut it up and sprinkle sugar over top of it and eat it — warmed by my body.

Thanks for listening, and I hope you have a great week!

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Posted in Indoor Masturbation, Mayoral Election, Rubbing food all over my body | 2 Comments »

Drawing blood from my genitals — cant feel a thing

September 21, 2010 | Author Blob Ford

Hey Folks,

Just sitting in my enormous Etobicoke backyard, enjoying a beautiful sunny Tuesday afternoon with some ice cold beers and some grilled meats.

I’ve noticed an increased population of insects over the past few weeks, in my backyard and throughout Toronto (on the streets or in green areas).

The attention received by the bugs around me is increases tenfold after melting a few sausages all over my chest in order to defrost them before actually grilling them on my Weber BBQ.

This reminded me of something I used to do when I first moved into my Etobicoke mansion years ago. I used to sneak out of the house late at night, being careful not to wake my kids or my then-wife. Once outside, I would tip toe around the edge of the house, to the backyard where there was a ravine. The mosquito’s near the water were particularly bad, especially in the middle of the summer.

Once at the ravine, I would remove my pants and underwear and slather a thick layer of honey all the way up my legs from my ankles to my waist, careful not to miss any spots.

Standing over the small ravine in my backyard, I would wait patiently for the mosquitos and other bugs to become stimulated by the sweet scent that the honey provides. After about 15-20 minutes my entire lower section would be covered by hungry bugs (mostly mosquito’s).

The excitement of this type of attention would cause me to breathe very heavily and deeply out of my mouth, occasionally letting out deep moans and gasps as the weight and tingly feeling the bugs caused would arouse me immensely.

After I was done, I usually would bathe in the ravine itself (convenient!), sitting near a bubbling brook with my legs open as the ice cold runoff water would clean my lower body and cool my hot skin.

Thanks for listening.

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Posted in Cleaning my filthy body, Getting a chubby, Outdoor Masturbation, Putting bugs on my dick, Rubbing food all over my body | 2 Comments »

Burgers and hotdogs on the same bun?

September 21, 2010 | Author Blob Ford

Hey Toronto,

Just mulling over whether I should come in to work at all today, on (likely) one of the last nice days of the year; Its going to be a beautiful day today.

I have a stash of frozen Lick’s burgers as well as some nice President’s Choice sausages in my basement freezer in my Etobicoke Home.

It’s settled. I will send a message to my administrative staff that I won’t be coming in today. I have enough beer and meat to enjoy a great home BBQ on this fine day.

In case any of you are wondering, my medical condition appears to have subsided; The burning sensation in my penis as well as the appearance of blood in my urine has ceased as of this morning.

One of the things that I have been doing, that I think has contributed greatly to my improved health, is regular anal cleansing , followed by the storage of any cylindrical shaped foods inside my anus for the better part of the day.

This can be accomplished with sausages, hot dogs, cucumbers, carrots, beets or eggplants. What this does is secret the vitamins and other fiber based elements into the walls of my anus while the food is stored inside my anus. The food ultimately dissolves after 12 or more hours of consistent storage and all the nutrients are absorbed into my body during this process.

The other thing I am looking forward to is manually defrosting my sausages in my hands during the day. I love the feeling of cold / frozen meat on my skin. I usually clamp down on the frozen sausage for the first 15-20 minutes, or until my hand is quite numb. Then I usually move outside into my lawn chair and either shove the sausage under my arm or just lay it flat on my belly. Sleeping in the warm sun (especially today) while a freezing cold sausage is slowly melting on my body is an invigorating experience.

Usually after a few hours of doing this , the meat is ready to be thrown onto the BBQ!

Thanks for listening.

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Posted in BBQ, Blue collar life, Medical Conditions, Outdoor Masturbation, Rubbing food all over my body | No Comments »

Chocolate chips and marshmellow / cool whip

August 13, 2010 | Author Blob Ford

Hey Folks,

My campaign to become mayor of Toronto has become more and more heated and dramatic as the days have progressed this week.

I’ve been turning down interviews with the Toronto Star, Toronto Sun and many other major publications regarding the Illuminati based conspiracy and other conspiracies related to derailing my attempts to gain mayoral status in this great land of Toronto.

I’ve been dipping my clammy fingers in this container of cool whip (the pre-made whip cream that you can spread on many items and body parts) and sucking on my fingers most of the afternoon today.

I like to keep my hands unwashed so that all the food and jams and sugary treats that I eat throughout the day get caught under my fingernails and essentially stuck all over my fingers. I like to keep my fingers feeling layered with sticky sugar.

This is usually to allow my fingers more potential for friction and roughness when making contact with different parts of my body.

Thanks for listening!

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Posted in Illuminati, Rubbing food all over my body, Sweets | No Comments »

Various powers that be / illuminati underground power struggle

August 11, 2010 | Author Blob Ford

Greetings Folks,

I’m still having problems with this website. My advisers have been sensing a strong sense of power and energy coming from the sewers near my Etobicoke home. They say that I must continue on posting to my blog here, even though none of my words may be seen for some time (possibly only after I’m gone).

I’m eating a quick dinner right now as i write this; Two butter chicken roti’s (hot) and some old leftover pizza from the other night. Sometimes when my mildly demanding job requires me to stay awake for more than 8 hours a day, I like to use different methods for me to stay awake and alert.

Tonight I have been extracting the spicy curry sauce from my roti and slathering the hot sauce in my pubic area, about 1 inch above my penis. After slathering the sauce on that area, I put a few drops of curry sauce on the tip of my penis and then put my underwear back on.

This usually keeps me up for a few extra hours during those late nights where I need to be alert and awake.

Take care.

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Posted in Getting a chubby, Quick updates, Rubbing food all over my body | No Comments »

Games I play to release stress

August 4, 2010 | Author Blob Ford

Hey folks,

I’m home from the hospital now. What a crazy past couple of days it’s been for me. I’ve been feeling slightly depressed now that I’ve finally come home from so much time in the dirty hospital — it’s very difficult to sleep while other junkies and hobo’s are moaning silently in their beds (some even screaming or shrieking loudly or even loud quick high pitched yelps).

On my drive home I was thinking of all the games I like to play to help me release stress, anguish and forget (even if just for a moment) my sexual tensions and constant generalized hatred.

One of those games is called “Choke chubby”. Basically it has to involve 2 other people (preferably men), to make 3 players total.

To play the game you need the following items :

- a jar of strawberry jam
- 3 tennis balls (1 for each player, 3 players minimum)
- one condom
- a salt shaker (filled with salt)

The game is best played in a secluded basement or a fenced in backyard. Each player must sit cross-legged on the floor , with each player’s knee touching the next player beside them. If its three players, you can form a small circle. The more players , the larger the circle.

The first player has to shake the salt over their penis 3 times, evenly spreading the salt. Then they must put the tennis ball on their penis and extend the condom overtop , covering their penis as well as the tennis ball.

As soon as this preparation is done, said player must look at the next player to the left and try to reach for their LEFT knee. Remember your knee’s must all be touching and you must be formed into a tight circle. If you can touch their LEFT knee without losing contact between your left knee and their RIGHT knee, then you must remove the condom and tennis ball and the next player must do the same thing.

If you do in fact lose contact with their right knee and your left knee, you must take the jam jar and spread 3 tablespoons worth on your opponents upper inner thighs. This is intended to be their reward for not losing contact. After the jam has been spread evenly on the winners upper inner thigh, you have to try to remove the jam without using your hands, feet, arms or legs. The trick I found is to use your tongue.

This game usually goes on for hours. I’m actually a regular player of Choke Chubby.

I think I’ll go to bed now for a while as I didn’t get much sleep last night in the hospital.

Your faithful friend,

Blobert

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Posted in Games I play, Getting a chubby, JO Bro's, Rubbing food all over my body | No Comments »

Thank god its Friday

July 23, 2010 | Author Blob Ford

Hey Folks,

I just got home from the office (I usually leave at 1pm on Fridays) and let me tell you it was certainly an exciting week for me!

Has anyone ever glued their fingers together as a result of pure boredom? I was in a car, going between my council office and my Lawrence ave. “satellite” election office and I had a stick of glue in my pocket. I gently brushed it across several of my fingers and then pressed each finger down my chubby thigh, one after the other.

After each subsequent finger was pressed against my hairy leg, the previous one became stuck to my leg. After all fingers became stuck, I smiled at myself for completing the task I set out to accomplish.

With my free hand, I slipped it inside my lunch bag and pulled out one of my favorite treats, an “Eat More” chocolate + nut bar. I unwrapped the bar with one hand (I have lots of practice) and started my Eat More ritual. This usually takes about 10 minutes to complete and I will detail the entire process here.

First I like to put my mouth over the first bite of the Eat More bar and just really get a good amount of slobber going to soften and moisten the initial bite of Eat more. This is usually because sometimes, if stored at the incorrect temperature, the bar itself can get quite hard and can increase the risk of damaging your teeth in that first bite.

After the first bite of the bar has gotten moist enough, I take the Eat More out of my mouth and drag it slowly across my inner thigh (remember my fingers on my right hand are still stuck to my right thigh). So I take the Eat More bar and drag it slowly (while its still wet with my saliva) across my inner thigh until the moisture has been drained off of it. You know when this step is complete when the inner thigh glistens with moisture and chocolate.

After this step is complete , take the rest of the Eat More bar out of the packaging. After it has been removed, take the entire bar and slowly run it from end to end across the bottom of your nose while taking in all that which is the entire scent of the Eat More bar.

Go back and forth across your nose, taking deep breaths through your nose, with the Eat More bar.

After this step is complete, you may now begin eating the Eat More bar.

Take care and have a great weekend,

Blob

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Posted in Rubbing food all over my body, Sweets | 5 Comments »
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