Archive for September 2010
Chub Toad
Greetings friends,
I’ve recently developed a wonderful method for dealing with my large, blood red and slightly pussy stretch marks, that I wanted to share with the world. I’m assuming that my diet of chicken wings and beer may be contributing to my bloated/muscular chub toad physique. This new method mitigates the only drawback to this physique and the lifestyle that I share with the kings of this universe.
I start first thing in the morning by taking off my shirt and pants. I keep my underwear on to contain any shit that may dribble out due to the fact that I’m standing up. Also, at this point my underwear has already been pre-cut to expose my genitals in a pleasing manner so there is no need to remove them. Next, I apply a generous amount of rocky road ice cream to my stretch marks and genitals. Rubbing it in for at least 20 minutes.
The chunks in the ice cream act as a great exfoliant for both the stretch marks and the large pimples that tend to form around the base of my penis and the cold provides a sensation that makes all the hairs across my giant belly stand on end.
The feeling is magnificent.
I then add a coat of baby oil to seal in the first layer. The key to this method is constant air flow to the stretch marked areas. I spent most of the last couple half days at the office cutting holes in the sides of my shirts, suits, and crotches of my pants. You don’t necessarily need to keep your crotch exposed but I find it adds a nice symmetry to the ensemble.
I then like to go out on my evening patrol of the neighborhood, wearing the modified clothing. The breeze through the holes in the clothes feels fantastic and I get a great sense of pride, knowing that I’m keeping the area’s children safe at night.
Take care.
Greasebag chicken, baked potatoes and some jello
Greetings Friends,
Your friend and future mayor here. I’m just sitting at home drinking a tall can of shitty beer, sitting in my computer chair as my helper is cooking my dinner for me. What a rainy day! So miserable outside isn’t it?
I used to spend a lot of time underneath a particular bridge, right on the border of Etobicoke and Toronto. The Old Mill bridge, which crosses the Humber River, consists of two bridges: one to carry TTC trains on the Bloor/Danforth line, and one for cars on Bloor Street West.
I used to spend a considerable amount of my time either in parked cars in the parking lot below these bridges, or sitting on various rocks or tree stumps along the Humber River.
So many things used to bring me closer to what I call “Absolute Reality”; The realization of what is true and real in the world, moving beyond the misconceptions, perceptions, manipulations and other misleading factors that one is constantly being bombarded with, with ease and gravitas.
It is this Absolute Reality and the perception of what is real and what is not that is the foundation for all my forward thinking ideas. I bring this concept with me from my younger days sitting underneath the Old Mill bridge, by myself along the river or with a “date” in a parked car.
It is the feeling of pursuing something beyond my reach that brought me to experiment with ways that I could jump start this reality based binge. I was about 24 when I first tried crack cocaine. The rush and energy that it gave me after my first inhale was something that I will never forget. It was the most amazing feeling that I have ever experienced.
In those 20 minutes after taking that hit, rationalizations and logic became crystal clear. The sky was open and unobstructed. Shortly after that initial rush, however, everything came crashing down with a severe case of diarrhea, or the “crack shits” as I used to call them.
I would often return to this area to revisit and experience the pure rush of power and energy that crack would bring me. It wasn’t until much later in my life that I realized I was taking a shortcut.
If you follow one of the paths along the Humber River, you can still see my impromptu diarrhea hole; Overlooking the beautiful river. A gem hidden within a concrete jungle.
Thanks for listening
Grapefruit and plastic wrap
Greetings Friends,
Although I’m feeling better today, I still feel under the weather. I decided to skip out on any campaign or office work and stay home and watch TV today.
One of my favorite things to eat when I’m not feeling well is a nice ripe & juicy grapefruit.
I first start out by cutting one of my grapefruit’s in half on the cutting board in my kitchen. Then, using a small spoon, I carve out a deep and small hole in the center of the grapefruit.
Once the hole has been carved out of the center of the grapefruit, I cover the surface with a tight layer of plastic wrap — making sure to press the plastic wrap into the hole I made at the center of the grapefruit.
Once this is complete, I pull down my boxer shorts and apply a generous helping of chapstick (any chapstick will do) to the tip of my penis. After enough chapstick has been applied to my penis, I shove the grapefruit onto my penis, until my penis is entirely into the hole I made at the center of the grapefruit.
Once the grapefruit is securely in place on my penis, I pull my boxer shorts back up and return to my TV room to watch TV for a few hours.
Once the grapefruit has been warmed by my genitals for several hours, it is ready to be consumed. I usually cut it up and sprinkle sugar over top of it and eat it — warmed by my body.
Thanks for listening, and I hope you have a great week!
Despite my cold I’m going to Gabby’s in Etobicoke : 2899 Bloor Street West
Hey guys,
I know I made a post earlier today about how sick I was. I think I need a night off from securing Don Bosco high school to just unwind and relax with some burgs n’ beers.
Sometimes I make the trek to the “rich area” of Etobicoke, to Gabbys on Bloor West (just on Prince Edward and Bloor, 2899 Bloor West). I like how small it is and I truly enjoy the Gabby’s chain of pubs. You can catch me on the corner bar stool, sucking back ice cold pints of Canadian with a few pounds of wings and some overcooked fries. My buddy Frank, who works at the A&P Food terminal on Queensway and Prince Edward usually makes his first stop after his shift at the warehouse and we usually talk about work and other various things.
Frank and I sometimes share their 10 pound “wings for two” item on the menu. Both of us don’t care — life’s too short to worry!
As the night wears on, we move from the bar over to one of the booths so that we can continue our conversation uninterrupted in a more intimate atmosphere. Usually we order about 2 burgers at this point as well.
Frank mentioned last time that his doctor has some concerns about his prostate, so I hope to find out the results tonight when I get there. I’m looking forward to seeing Frank and the other regulars @ Gabby’s, their warm faces are a welcome sight in this otherwise cold and unfriendly city.
Take care.
Securing Etobicoke’s Don Bosco highschool
Hey folks,
I’m sick today. I called my office at city hall to let them know I wont be able to make it in. I’m sure the people of Toronto understand that even I get sick sometimes. Especially with how many people I am interacting with on a daily basis, its a surprise this doesn’t happen more often.
Most people don’t realize that I have more than one job, aside from working for the great city of Toronto. One of my most important responsibilities involves an Etobicoke catholic high school, Don Bosco Catholic Secondary School :
It is my responsibility to ensure the safety of our young people in this high school. I make it a nightly routine to complete my tasks.
I usually arrive at the school at around 12:30am or 1:00am most nights. I start by walking around the school perimeter, checking all the doors and windows to see if any have been left open. Usually one window or door has been left unsecured. Lately it has been the bathroom window in the North East corner of the school building.
After verifying that a window has been left open (sometimes even a door), I usually slip inside the school. Since there is no on-duty night security personnel, this usually is an easy process.
Once inside the school I usually feel an excited jolt of energy throughout my body. This is one of the reasons why I do this — I need to keep my energy levels high as well as satisfy the security needs of the school to ensure everything is verified and checked by me.
I like to slowly walk throughout the school, touching and smelling various items (cafeteria seats, classroom chairs, fountains, lockers) to ensure no outside sources have corrupted the environment. I pass through the school with my arms and hands open and extended — I need to touch everything and ensure everyone is safe.
Through my fingertips gracefully touching every item and my nose smelling the multitude of scents throughout the school, I am able to accomplish this. By the time I’m done my legs are usually shaking with excitement and my stomach is as light as a feather.
This is something that, even if I’m sick, I still have to do. It’s my responsibility.
Thanks for listening
Poppers and root beer and pastor wendell brereton
Hey friends,
Just sitting in my office in city hall currently. It’s been somewhat of a boring (and rainy) day today. I’ve been sentimental during the past few days. I think of the times passed and how far I’ve come in the last few years of my life. I feel like I have come a long way to get where I am now.
Who am I?
The man I am would not be here today if it were not a direct result of my experiences through good times and bad , with my good friends over the years. Specifically, growing up and living with my lifelong friend, Pastor Wendell Brereton, through my early twenties was a real eye opener, in hindsight.
I had an interesting experience, learning who I am and making the choices that led me to the path I ultimately chose. In my mid-twenties I was a reckless and abhorrent individual. Needless to say at one point I needed Wendell’s help to give me a break during a period where money was tight and I was going through several periods of popper / rave addictions.
I would spend most of my nights loosening all the muscles in my body; Huffing poppers and various other inhalants. Just as soon as I came close to falling through the “popper hole”, I would inject small amounts of cocaine into my arm for a muddy and clouded jolt of electricity. I would usually follow the cocaine with a 90s grade ecstasy pill or some then-rare Oxy Contin. Most times I wouldn’t even take note of what I took. I just wanted to feel numb.
Wendell was there for me when I hit bottom. I would crash at his house for a month or two, until I could ultimately get back onto my feet. By the time I ended up at his house, my mind body and soul would be completely drained of energy and I would be a walking zombie. I can remember fondly, arriving at Wendell’s to a waiting hot bowl of Alphagettis and a warm smile.
Sometimes I would sleep for days in his bed — occasionally waking up to his soft voice in my ear; Wendell laying next to me, whispering that it was going to be okay and that I’ll rebound and that I always do.
He would hold me tight and keep me warm in his bed. Sometimes he would insert medical grade thermometers into my anus to ensure my body temperature never fluctuated past a certain range.
I would smile and sometimes giggle at the cold steel instrument being shoved inside me under the covers.
“Just let Dr. Wendell take care of you”, he’s say.
“Why do I do this to myself?”, I would ask.
“God still has a plan for you. He hasn’t given up. Neither should you.”, he would always respond.
Those nights in Pastor Wendell Brereton’s bed were the only truly good memories I have of my twenties.
Take Care.
Drawing blood from my genitals — cant feel a thing
Hey Folks,
Just sitting in my enormous Etobicoke backyard, enjoying a beautiful sunny Tuesday afternoon with some ice cold beers and some grilled meats.
I’ve noticed an increased population of insects over the past few weeks, in my backyard and throughout Toronto (on the streets or in green areas).
The attention received by the bugs around me is increases tenfold after melting a few sausages all over my chest in order to defrost them before actually grilling them on my Weber BBQ.
This reminded me of something I used to do when I first moved into my Etobicoke mansion years ago. I used to sneak out of the house late at night, being careful not to wake my kids or my then-wife. Once outside, I would tip toe around the edge of the house, to the backyard where there was a ravine. The mosquito’s near the water were particularly bad, especially in the middle of the summer.
Once at the ravine, I would remove my pants and underwear and slather a thick layer of honey all the way up my legs from my ankles to my waist, careful not to miss any spots.
Standing over the small ravine in my backyard, I would wait patiently for the mosquitos and other bugs to become stimulated by the sweet scent that the honey provides. After about 15-20 minutes my entire lower section would be covered by hungry bugs (mostly mosquito’s).
The excitement of this type of attention would cause me to breathe very heavily and deeply out of my mouth, occasionally letting out deep moans and gasps as the weight and tingly feeling the bugs caused would arouse me immensely.
After I was done, I usually would bathe in the ravine itself (convenient!), sitting near a bubbling brook with my legs open as the ice cold runoff water would clean my lower body and cool my hot skin.
Thanks for listening.
Burgers and hotdogs on the same bun?
Hey Toronto,
Just mulling over whether I should come in to work at all today, on (likely) one of the last nice days of the year; Its going to be a beautiful day today.
I have a stash of frozen Lick’s burgers as well as some nice President’s Choice sausages in my basement freezer in my Etobicoke Home.
It’s settled. I will send a message to my administrative staff that I won’t be coming in today. I have enough beer and meat to enjoy a great home BBQ on this fine day.
In case any of you are wondering, my medical condition appears to have subsided; The burning sensation in my penis as well as the appearance of blood in my urine has ceased as of this morning.
One of the things that I have been doing, that I think has contributed greatly to my improved health, is regular anal cleansing , followed by the storage of any cylindrical shaped foods inside my anus for the better part of the day.
This can be accomplished with sausages, hot dogs, cucumbers, carrots, beets or eggplants. What this does is secret the vitamins and other fiber based elements into the walls of my anus while the food is stored inside my anus. The food ultimately dissolves after 12 or more hours of consistent storage and all the nutrients are absorbed into my body during this process.
The other thing I am looking forward to is manually defrosting my sausages in my hands during the day. I love the feeling of cold / frozen meat on my skin. I usually clamp down on the frozen sausage for the first 15-20 minutes, or until my hand is quite numb. Then I usually move outside into my lawn chair and either shove the sausage under my arm or just lay it flat on my belly. Sleeping in the warm sun (especially today) while a freezing cold sausage is slowly melting on my body is an invigorating experience.
Usually after a few hours of doing this , the meat is ready to be thrown onto the BBQ!
Thanks for listening.
Warm shower secrets
Hey Friends,
I’ve decided to slow down my campaign since my popularity has been established within this great city. Its important to take it easy; we only live once and I like to make a point of enjoying the finer things in life. Why not?
One of my favorite things is something I do almost every other day — a hot shower to start off my morning. One thing about me that you may not know is that I am a man of routines. I like to keep my routines in the morning for instance.
Usually my day starts off at around 10:15am when my alarm goes off. The wife is usually out of the house earlier; most recently she has been spending time at her girlfriends house and sometimes spends the night there. So I have my Etobicoke house to myself.
As soon as I’m up, I head for my shower. My shower is not a standard shower that one would expect to find in a suburban home. I have multiple shower heads — one over top of your head and one on the right hand side in the shower. This particular shower head is what I enjoy best during my morning routine.
The shower head that is midway down and connected to a detachable head has a long and narrow shower head that has a small rounded tip. The water shoots out of this in a high pressure jet of water.
I usually insert this tip into my anus and turn the jet settings on the shower head to provide different variations of streams of water. One might call this a makeshift enema, but I find the varying streams of water shooting into my anus a great way to jolt someone awake as well as cleaning out any nominal blockages that I usually end up having, due to my particular diet.
These showers usually last about 35-40 minutes. Over time, I have had to hire a plumber actually adjust the drainage in my shower to directly connect to the sewage drain in my house.
Thanks for listening.
TGIF : BBQ pork loin and pan seared in a rasberry wine sauce
Hi there,
Boy let me tell you, its great for it to finally be Friday. I’ve taken a few breaks posting here over the last month due to my health concerns and my renewed focus on taking walks along the Humber River.
The crisp cold air on my clammy skin is something that I find refreshing and sensual at the same time. Unfortunately the windows in my office don’t open so I have to take brisk rides in my wheelchair scooter to get refreshed. What I’ve done is poke small holes in the groin / scrotum region of my pants in such a way that the cool air is allowed in to make contact with the skin on my inner thighs as I ride my scooter.
In case you’re wondering, the doctor recommended I temporarily ride in a wheelchair scooter until my condition as a result of putting spicy curry sauce on the tip of my penis has been remedied.
I’m going to be leaving work in about an hour or so, at 2:30pm, to get a head start on my BBQ plans tonight. I plan on BBQing a pork loin , wrapped in bacon and spices / bay leaves, and then pan sear the outer edges to get a crisp texture, soaked in a raspberry wine sauce in the pan, which will then be de-glazed and dripped over the exterior at the final stage.
I also have about 28 beers in the fridge in my Etobicoke home so I think I’m all set!
I’ll try to update again to let you know how its going.
Soft earth on my naked skin
Hey guys,
Well September is here now. In Etobicoke, where everything is slightly colder, I am noticing that the leaves are already changing colors. Sometimes I like to walk down through the side streets along Islington Avenue and ultimately pass through the Humber River. The sound of the gushing river brings a sense of calm to myself, especially during these trying times. The Illuminati conspiracy as well as the mayoral election are taking its toll on these old bones.
Sometimes I like to walk down the path, along the river, and find a secluded spot in an area where there is thick brush. At this time of year its quite cold so I usually rub a thin layer of Vaseline over the eventual exposed areas of my skin to protect it from the cold fall wind. In my spot , I usually remove my pants and underwear and lie spread eagle on the bare ground. Connecting my skin with the fundamental natural earth brings a true sense of energy that vibrates throughout my body.
Most times I stay on my back, with the cold dirt rubbing against that area of my body. Sometimes I like to turn over on my front and squish my frontal areas into the somewhat hard earth. Sometimes I can be heard moaning softly as I conduct my naturalistic relaxation techniques.
I am usually quite energized by the next day; At around 11:30am when I get to the office, I am ready to tackle the half days of work with vigor and virility.
Take care.
- New blog post: Update : Just got out of hospital earlier this week http://bit.ly/eGcBCf #voteto
- New blog post: Hey guys! http://bit.ly/gHe37V #voteto
- New blog post: Rob Ford Mayor of Toronto http://bit.ly/byqMUq #voteto
- New blog post: Just getting ready to be the new mayor of Toronto on my end http://bit.ly/cjjp6a #voteto
- DOIN COKE FROM SCRAPING TOILET PAPER DISPENSERS IN FIRKIN PUB BATHROOM STALLS #VOTETO http://bit.ly/aYpAch
- I LOVE TO DO COCAINE RESIDUE FROM BATHROOM TOILET PAPER DISPENSERS IN FIRKIN PUBS http://bit.ly/aYpAch
- New blog post: Thank the gods its FRIDAY http://bit.ly/ceO5Qg #voteto
- dropped some phad thai on my groin area (not wearing pants or underwear) ... i think im gonna leave it there for a few days
- New blog post: Winter is coming / Applying pressure to my anus http://bit.ly/9OJlq2 #voteto
- http://mellastman.com/2010/10/11/rob-ford-the-new-mayor-of-toronto-get-outta-here/
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