Hey Folks,

My campaign to become mayor of Toronto has become more and more heated and dramatic as the days have progressed this week.

I’ve been turning down interviews with the Toronto Star, Toronto Sun and many other major publications regarding the Illuminati based conspiracy and other conspiracies related to derailing my attempts to gain mayoral status in this great land of Toronto.

I’ve been dipping my clammy fingers in this container of cool whip (the pre-made whip cream that you can spread on many items and body parts) and sucking on my fingers most of the afternoon today.

I like to keep my hands unwashed so that all the food and jams and sugary treats that I eat throughout the day get caught under my fingernails and essentially stuck all over my fingers. I like to keep my fingers feeling layered with sticky sugar.

This is usually to allow my fingers more potential for friction and roughness when making contact with different parts of my body.

Thanks for listening!