Archive for July 2010
My long weekend starts now!
Hey Guys,
I’m sitting in my west end home right now, preparing for a great long weekend. The weather is supposed to be great. I’m going to stay away from the core of the city (Carabana weekend) , but I already have all that I need at my house. I don’t think I’ll need to leave for supplies or anything. I have :
- Over 100 cans of Old Mill beer
- Steaks, sausages, bacon, hamburgers
- Lots of toilet paper
I have been having this disturbing pattern of violent diarrhea over the last 5 days, unfortunately. It all started last Saturday. I was at my buddy Bob McCown’s house and we were playing this game in his wood paneled basement called “No bullshit”.
To play the game, each of us sits in a chair facing each other, with our shorts hiked very high above our belly buttons, as high as you can possibly hike your pants. The shorts are hiked high enough when your testicles bulge out of the opening.
After the shorts are prepared, you must place your hand on the respective players knee — both of you facing each other in your chairs. So your hand goes on your opponent’s knee (in my case , Bob’s) and Bob’s hand goes on my knee.
Now this game can’t be played until your opponents testicles are at least subtly or partially visible through the opening in their shorts, so make sure that you can see your opponent’s testicles and they can see yours.
After the preparations are complete, the first person to start has to say something they think to be true about the opponent. This can be anything as long as it is about the opponent. If the statement is untrue, the opponent must immediately say “No bullshit”.
If the statement is indeed untrue, the player who just stated the untrue fact must move their hand 1 inch closer to the opponent’s exposed testicles.
The game goes back and forth — the loser of the game is the player who’s hand is fully touching the opponent’s testicles.
Since playing that game with Bob last weekend, I’ve had violent diarrhea. Should I see a doctor?
Your friend,
Blarb
What a week!
Hello Friends,
Just a quick update — I’m still here! Seems I accidentally knocked this website offline for the past few days.
I run the website out of my garage and I suspect I tripped over the extension chords powering my computer last weekend (I’d been drinking all day). I didn’t notice until now.
I’ll have another update later today!
Cheers,
Blobert
Thank god its Friday
Hey Folks,
I just got home from the office (I usually leave at 1pm on Fridays) and let me tell you it was certainly an exciting week for me!
Has anyone ever glued their fingers together as a result of pure boredom? I was in a car, going between my council office and my Lawrence ave. “satellite” election office and I had a stick of glue in my pocket. I gently brushed it across several of my fingers and then pressed each finger down my chubby thigh, one after the other.
After each subsequent finger was pressed against my hairy leg, the previous one became stuck to my leg. After all fingers became stuck, I smiled at myself for completing the task I set out to accomplish.
With my free hand, I slipped it inside my lunch bag and pulled out one of my favorite treats, an “Eat More” chocolate + nut bar. I unwrapped the bar with one hand (I have lots of practice) and started my Eat More ritual. This usually takes about 10 minutes to complete and I will detail the entire process here.
First I like to put my mouth over the first bite of the Eat More bar and just really get a good amount of slobber going to soften and moisten the initial bite of Eat more. This is usually because sometimes, if stored at the incorrect temperature, the bar itself can get quite hard and can increase the risk of damaging your teeth in that first bite.
After the first bite of the bar has gotten moist enough, I take the Eat More out of my mouth and drag it slowly across my inner thigh (remember my fingers on my right hand are still stuck to my right thigh). So I take the Eat More bar and drag it slowly (while its still wet with my saliva) across my inner thigh until the moisture has been drained off of it. You know when this step is complete when the inner thigh glistens with moisture and chocolate.
After this step is complete , take the rest of the Eat More bar out of the packaging. After it has been removed, take the entire bar and slowly run it from end to end across the bottom of your nose while taking in all that which is the entire scent of the Eat More bar.
Go back and forth across your nose, taking deep breaths through your nose, with the Eat More bar.
After this step is complete, you may now begin eating the Eat More bar.
Take care and have a great weekend,
Blob
Abolish municipal democracy / Bacon fat is the new cooking oil
Hello Friends,
This place has gone to shit. Every time I look at the human garbage that makes up this city, I vomit a little in my mouth. I can see the pain and anguish surrounding me in council chambers and with the city in general. Everywhere I look. Its been three years since I started my mission to become mayor of Toronto. All these years leading up to this; taking out the fucking (human) trash. Its all gone to shit, if you ask me.
The only thing that really saves my sanity and keeps me going, in this struggle that is my campaign to become mayor of Toronto, is several jelly filled doughnuts a day. One in the morning and two in the afternoon, close to 3:30pm when I usually leave for home.
The gentle, battered doughnut usually sits in my hand while I stare at it for several minutes before gobbling it down. Its crusty exterior provides for a nice surprise when penetrated and the warm blueberry or strawberry jelly oozes out into my salivating mouth. I usually cant contain the entire thing in my mouth during this process and some spills out onto my chin and sometimes my dress shirt.
My assistant usually helps clean my face up, among doing other things.
Thanks,
B.
A day in my life
It all started today. This morning actually.
It was a morning like many other — I was sitting in my chair, eating cheetos, listening to Steve Earle. I made a few calls from my office at City Hall and had a few uninspired conversations with my fellow councilors.
I went out to lunch at 12:45. I walked to the burger king near city hall, got 2 double whoppers from burger king and just plopped myself down on the curb, crossed my legs and just dove right in to the greasy soggy mess that was my lunch.
I felt a huge shit coming on, so I walked back to my office (took the elevator 1 floor up). After taking a shit I came back to my computer. To my surprise, several of my internet sensors were blaring — screaming for my attention. I have a 14 LCD monitors at my desk that displays several key areas of the internet and its current status in relation to my life — 13 out of 14 of those monitors were flashing red. Something happened!
There have been so many negative articles written about me on the internet. It is somewhat upsetting to have to defend myself against such baseless accusations. I thought we lived in a civil society — I guess I was wrong.
Tonight I think I’ll end up making risotto with peppers and goats cheese, also with chedder cheese and swiss cheese and blue cheese. I love cheese so fusfcking much. I’ve decided to try the lamb shank marinade another day
Your friend,
Blobbo
Mustard on beef ?
I’m currently sitting in a council meeting right now but I had to share these thoughts I’ve been having.
I’ve been considering different ways to season my beef and I thought of a good marinade for beef / steak / whatnot :
- ground mustard seeds
- ground pepper
- red wine
- pinch of salt
- rosemary
- basil leaves on top
My goddamn mouth is watering at the thought! I know I had steaks last Friday during my BBQ party, but maybe I should try the above with lamb shank?
I swear I’m getting a serious chubby from thinking about this. I think I may scoot out early to visit my butcher / grocery store and try this tonight (My wife is still on vacation).
Your pal,
Blob
I reserve the right to choose what I’m having for lunch
Hey Toronto,
What a wonderful Mid July Monday today is turning out to be. My assistant (Lafayette) just told me of a great idea / plan for when I am elected mayor of our great city. She suggested that I fire 22 city councilors and replace them with 100 police officers on the streets of Toronto.
I almost fell out of my chair when she said that! What a fantastic idea!
As you all know, I am about trimming the bureaucratic fat and excess that is municipal politics in the city of Toronto. This just seems like such a crystal clear idea — not only will it save money for our city, it will also make my job as mayor much easier in this city. Think of how much quicker it would be to get things done and make an actual difference in this city with 22 less whiny, immature and downright greedy city councilors?
As soon as I’m done eating this roast beef sandwich I’m going to draft a plan.
How was your weekend? Mine was fairly uneventful. I had a great BBQ on Friday and ended up staying up extremely late with my friends playing poker and drinking beers.
The rest of the weekend I mostly spent sleeping and enjoying my time off.
Take care,
Blob
BBQ + Buddies + Beers
Hey Folks,
Just updating you guys. I’m currently in my Etobicoke backyard having a great old fashioned BBQ on my end. I went to Brunos Fine Foods on Dundas West and Royal York Road to pick up a bunch of steaks for me and the guys. My wife is on vacation currently so its just me at my house right now.
One of my favorite things to do is down as many cans of Old Milwaukee as possible and have a nice juicy thick steak. Above all else, this gives me the most pleasure I have ever experienced.
What is your favorite thing to do on a Friday right after work?
Your Pal,
Blob
Cookies n’ cream + jelly doughnuts : is it worth it?
Hey Toronto!
Your old pal here. I was just sitting in my office, brainstorming with my administrative staff and we were toying with the idea of combining cookies and cream ice cream with jelly doughnuts (mixing it in a blender even).
I think this would be a fantastic daily treat — something that would invigorate and energize my body / mind / soul!
What do you think? I think I’ll try it when I get home tonight.
Blob
Hello Toronto!
My mayoral election manager suggested I start a blog to share my thoughts about our wonderful city, my political views and agendas if I were to be elected mayor of our great city.
I’d love to hear from you also, please drop me a line if you can : [email protected]
Stay tuned for more posts from me.
Sincerely,
Blob Ford
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- New blog post: Just getting ready to be the new mayor of Toronto on my end http://bit.ly/cjjp6a #voteto
- DOIN COKE FROM SCRAPING TOILET PAPER DISPENSERS IN FIRKIN PUB BATHROOM STALLS #VOTETO http://bit.ly/aYpAch
- I LOVE TO DO COCAINE RESIDUE FROM BATHROOM TOILET PAPER DISPENSERS IN FIRKIN PUBS http://bit.ly/aYpAch
- New blog post: Thank the gods its FRIDAY http://bit.ly/ceO5Qg #voteto
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